A Catalyst for Transformation: If I’m doing everything right, then why does it feel so wrong?


{If you missed the first post in this series, start here.}

It was not an April Fools joke, but it so happened that April 1 was the day I broke the news to my ladies at the Studio: I have decided to close my business.

After the shock of my announcement wore off a little, one of the first questions pointed at me from a long-time client was: “How can you no longer want to continue doing something that you are so passionate about and worked so hard to build?”

Good question.
A question I wrestled over abundantly prior to making my announcement that day.

The organic answer to that question was simple at the time: I actually felt like I was going to fall over (and maybe die) if I continued doing what I was doing. I simply knew I had no other choice, based on the rapidly deteriorating state of both my physical and emotional health.

This wasn’t cancer or heart disease or a broken leg.

It was the result of physiological mayhem.

Stress – all kinds of stress – that was breaking me down faster than I could remedy, partly because I had never really addressed the triggers that had been accumulated over many years. I actually kind of liked the triggers – that jolt of adrenaline that allowed me to work harder, be more, and stay disciplined. And I know now that some of those triggers were even caused by the adherence to the so-called good, healthy things I had established or asserted for myself.

The line between what’s good and not-so-good had started to blur.

Over the years and through my various experiences and forays into fitness and dieting, the damage had been pursued innocently, due to the nature of what I was conditioned to label as Health or even Hardcore Healthy. And at that point, with training clients at all hours and running the day-to-day of business (aka 24/7) – with fervent energy and discipline to inspire the good habits I was to exemplify – the vision of health was only a guise as my body started to speak its truth.

The truth was that doing everything “right” had absolutely no reflection on what was “right” for me and my better health.

But who wouldn’t think that teaching fitness (yes, I get paid to workout so to speak) all day, everyday is not the VIP ticket to a fit, healthy body? Exercise is good for you, right?!! And I do actually know what I’m doing – certainly not winging it unintelligently. But yet, I was gaining weight and my body started to look like it hadn’t seen a gym in a while.

And food was not the problem. I had long since made peace with my history of dieting. I just don’t do it any more because I don’t need to, really. I had been through all that struggle and no longer battled cravings and overeating. I know how to eat best for my body and mind, and effortlessly practised those skills without interruption, maintaining my physique – until suddenly, all that didn’t seem work any more.

But somehow all that “skill” had still left me vulnerable. Vulnerable to my story taking a very different direction than what I had expected it to. I had thought that my lifetime of struggle was in the past. I had taken the “after” photo of my journey, and had totally overhauled my life into what had become a fruition of my biggest dreams and a heck of a lot of hard work.

There seemed to be no good reason why doing all the right things had caused me to come crashing down.

What was going on?
And was it really absolutely necessary for me to make that urgent decision to close down my dream and passion – aka, my studio?
Why is this even relevant to anyone else?

So many lessons I have learned. I want to help you avoid finding yourself there – in whatever scope that might be for you. And most of all, I want to inspire you to greatness in your own life by passing along the birthed treasures of my experiences.

I think that maybe we are ready to look at the subject of “transformation” (or what many would label as weight loss) from a whole new, intelligent, non-commercialized, raw perspective….

Continue to next post in this series….